


The Case of the Female Species

by Aida



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Crack, F/M, Humor, Possible pairing, Pure Crack, Sherlock is lost trying to solve them, Women are mysterious creatures, fem!john watson, pre-pairing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2012-10-07
Packaged: 2017-11-15 21:14:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aida/pseuds/Aida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock is a genius, but even he doesn't know everything. And besides the solar system, there's one other thing that he knows next to nothing about: Women.</p><p>Cue Joan Watson and her trying to help Sherlock understand them.</p><p>(Possible Joanlock in later chapters. And be warned! This oneshot series is made up of pure, unadulterated crack!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bra Removal 101

**Author's Note:**

> First, I'd like to say that it's highly unlikely Sherlock is really this "dense" when it comes to women. He probably understands them quite a bit. However, the idea would not escape me, so I ran with it. This is why it's complete crack people!
> 
> Second, I'm an American, so this isn't brit-picked. If you could kindly inform me of some errors, I shall gladly fix them!
> 
> Third, if you like this and have some ideas of your own, let me know! I'd love ideas!

Like any man with half a brain, Sherlock knew some things about women. At least, he knew well enough, especially on a biological standpoint. Outside of that, however, Sherlock didn’t know much else. Living and dealing with men most of his life and having absolutely no interest in dealing with them unless absolutely necessary was a big cause of this. Even so, he didn’t have any reservations when Joan Watson, ex-army doctor and a true one hundred percent female, became his flatmate. 

He just didn’t think that his life from that point onward would become a constant learning experience. 

The first time that happened was a few weeks after Joan was completely moved in, and they had solved a case involving a female assassin who kept her weapons inside her bra. However, before they arrested her, she somehow managed to toss it somewhere in broad daylight. That didn’t stop a conviction, since they managed to find it anyway on top all the other evidence that Sherlock managed to find. It still made Sherlock curious as to how she managed to do it.

Which was why, when Joan returned after her latest grocery excursion, she found Sherlock sitting cross-legged on the floor surrounded by a plethora of bras. _Her_ bras.

She was angry that Sherlock raided her drawers, but thankful that he didn’t snag her panties as well.

“If you’re trying to disguise yourself as a woman, I’m afraid that those are too big.” Joan joked, trying to fend off a verbal lashing for as long as she could. Because despite raiding her undergarments, Sherlock would at least have a reason.

Said consulting detective scoffed. “Of course not, Joan.” He sneered. “I’m just trying to fill in a missing gap from our recent case.”

“The one with the woman and her deadly over-the-shoulder boulder holders?” Joan asked, causing Sherlock to give her a look. 

“An utterly absurd label, but yes.” Sherlock replied. “I’m trying to figure out how she managed to dispose of the evidence in public without exposing herself.”

Joan just stared at Sherlock as he lifted one of her bras to study. “You’re kidding.” She said flatly. “You mean you don’t know?”

Sherlock perked, looking at her. “Know what?” 

She rolled her eyes and got to work. Quickly slipping her arms into her jumper, she deftly unhooked her bra, slipped the straps off, and after making sure her jumper was back on securely, yanked the undergarment clean out from under her jumper through the neck.

“She just took it off from under her shirt.” She explained as Sherlock gawked at her. “It’s easy.”

He leapt up to his feet to stare at her bra. “How did you do that!?”

“Oh, come on, Sherlock!” She snapped. “You _had_ to have known about this.”

“Absolutely not, Joan!” Sherlock said, taking the bra and examining it. “To be able to do this, you must have a lot of dexterity…”

“It’s a bra, Sherlock.” Joan replied blandly. “It’s not as difficult as, say, picking a lock.”

“But the clasps!” Sherlock insisted, clenching the garment as if strangling it. “That and the fact that you were still wearing your jumper!”

Joan decided to leave him aghast as she went into the kitchen to make tea. “It’s really not as difficult as you think, Sherlock.” She continued. “And you better put those away when you’re done!”

-

Joan had thought the whole subject would be forgotten afterwards (despite her warning, Sherlock only went as far as putting her bras back into her room, leaving them on her bed) and didn’t expect him to bring it up again. After all, it was such a simple task as to removing one’s bra from under their shirt. It wasn’t some complex science problem. 

Granted, it wasn’t Sherlock who brought it up a few days later. It was Mycroft, and he made a personal appearance outside the most recent stop on her search for a job. 

“Mycroft. Afternoon.” She greeted, only to freeze when she saw Mycroft’s expression. “Is there something wrong? You look like you swallowed a lemon.”

Mycroft’s sour expression grew when he heard her words. “Not quite.” He explained. “However, something has happened to my brother.”

Joan felt her insides freeze. “Oh no.” She murmured, visions of Sherlock getting stabbed or shot, laid up in a hospital room with tubes and monitors. “What happened?”

“He called Detective Inspector Lestrade earlier today.” Mycroft explained, and Joan felt light-headed. “He said it was an emergency.”

“Oh god, what was it?” 

Her imagination didn't prepare her for what Mycroft said next.

“Apparently, he was stuck in a ‘modern-day torture device’ and couldn’t get out.” He explained. “Upon Lestrade’s arrival, he found that Sherlock wasn’t in any real danger. All my brother was trying to do was remove a bra from underneath his shirt.”


	2. Run for Cover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short ficlet about text messages. Once again, pure crack.

I need your advice. SH

I’m at work, Sherlock. Can’t really give you cause of death over the phone. JW

I’ve already wrapped up the case. This is different. SH

What kind of advice, then? JW

How to deal with women. SH

You finally decide to go out on a date, then? JW

Not as married to your work as you thought? JW

I concede to that, but that’s not what I want advice on. SH

Then what is it? JW

Wait, what are you conceding to? JW

Irrelevant. I need your advice on how to deal with Molly. SH

Just accept her offer and let her down gently. JW

My problem is the complete opposite of that. SH

What? You asked her out? JW

Absolutely not. However, she did kick me out of the morgue. SH

He ran away. MH.

Mycroft! SH

If you’re going to ask for advice, tell her the whole story. MH

Why hasn’t the dentist gassed you yet? SH

Childish as always, brother. MH

Sorry. Patient. What’s this about running away? JW

I did not run away! SH

I merely made my escape when she started throwing things at me. SH

Oh god. JW

What did you do this time? JW

Nothing. SH

I merely asked for a liver. SH

And…? JW

We started discussing how people seem to take her for granted. SH

Oh no. What did you tell her? JW

Exact phrasing, please. JW

I didn’t say anything. I merely listened. SH

Then she started crying. SH

I tried to tell her that crying wouldn’t help, but she yelled at me. SH

I told her she was being unreasonable, and she got louder. SH

That’s when the throwing started. SH

It was only when she threw her scalpel that I did decide to retreat. SH

Now I have no liver for my experiment. SH

Joan? SH

Joan, what would be your course of action? SH

Joan? SH

JOAN! SH

Patient again. I am at work, Sherlock. JW

I would say wait 3-5 days before going back and apologizing. JW

3 days? Why so long? SH

It’s called PMS, Sherlock. JW

You’re lucky she only threw things at you. JW

A care package has been sent from you courtesy of my assistant. MH

I’m sure he’s thankful, Mycroft. JW

Unlikely, but I appreciate it nonetheless. MH

PMS. Pre-menstrual syndrome. SH

Yes, exactly. Doing research on it? JW

You’d think you know about it from cases. JW

Anyway, on my way home. Do we need milk? JW

Sherlock? JW

Oh god, what did you find? JW

I’m merely surprised that there aren’t more homicides in London, let alone the world. SH

We’d be extinct if we didn’t control ourselves. JW

Do you still get this? SH

I’m only in my 30s! Of course I do! JW

Please inform me well in advance. SH

Shocking stuff, isn’t it? JW

Moriarty would fall if he ever came up against a woman during this time. SH

Now you’re getting it. JW


End file.
